An open letter to everyone i know

Ok…well….
So today I decided to take a stand for myself.
Every day I am like I will be a better person for myself , I won’t let life pull me down, I won’t be treated like trash blah de blah.

No nothing life changing happened today, it was a normal day where my crazy self-prevailed and concluded with me giggling like a 13 year old girl. The limit had reached, a kiss was given to the brim of the glass and I felt the water tip over like a mother hugging her child after meeting him in a long time.
But I guess you can say today I got tired.

  • Tired of waiting around for a life miracle to take place and make my life all right.
  • Tired for the universe to help me out when it’s just a big bully wearing combat boots and stomping all over me.
  • Tired of bad love screwing me over and over again and draining out all my positive energy which I am trying to hold onto desperately.
  • Tired of begging to God for salvation because in the end we sow what we reap…of course all of that from the last births because as far as I remember I didn’t ruin anybody’s career recently huh!
    *no disrespect Big Man, just getting it out of the system, you know free will and all…bro-fists*
  • Tired of trying in vain and not getting anything in return and sitting on my ass cursing the universe, let’s face it, I am speaking to walls like a world class nincompoop.
  • Tired of waiting…just too tired and no don’t tell me that I am so young now and I have all of my life ahead.I know what I have dealt with for 21 years so you have no right to tell me that my life has just started and blah de blah. I am very well aware when my life started thank you dear sir for the absolutely thoughtful reminder; I shall be forever obliged to you.

I am tired of all the bullshit people have to give. Too many stupid, cocky people in this world that I want to punch real hard.
Today I realized my life is too short and I have wasted enough on everyone who don’t even bother to wish me  my birthday (not that I keep track, but yes with social media everyone knows when you were born, even your god darn bank wishes you. And a friend who says he/she cares for you does not have the time to acknowledge the fact that your existence happened on this very day…why did I throw away all that TIME and ENERGY on those people?!)

Basically this is an open letter to everyone who knows me and anyone who will meet me in the future that I can’t and won’t take anymore crap.

You like me, let’s be friends. Eventually I will like you back, because not many people like me for me.

You don’t like me, remove me or just tell me why, if you’re close I will hear you out and try to improve if I feel so. (No my very existence is not a reason I will hear, if that’s so then fuck you in advance)

You love me, say it. I will try my very best to reciprocate it, if not then I will not fail to be a loyal friend or anyone you can rant to. At least I am not using you and being truthful to you, if you can’t respect that in me then I am sorry, I have no fucks to give.

You hate me, say it. Then leave because I gave my last and only fuck to the friend who doesn’t like me for my very existence.

And for my part….

If I like you I will let you know, trust me I will be so clingy that you will have to pull me off forcefully but carefully because I easily hurt :3 and I am also cute to have around 😀

If I don’t like you I will stay away from you, but no I won’t be a cold heart-ed prick. If you think I am one then maybe I am just lost in something that I am doing. I did not ignore you while you were crying in the corner of the room. I just didn’t see you.

If I love you, I will always do so. Yes that is my Achilles heel which I guess you can say is bleeding continuously. I will tell you eventually even if I land up getting hurt. Because I don’t keep things like this to myself, I just don’t believe in it. Bad habit i guess, at least for my self-esteem *uncomfortable cough*

If I hate you, it’s only because you hate me. As a kid I use to say this a lot “if you hate me good, because I hate you more loser.” And I won’t be all mean, it would be that kind of hate that you come in front of me with a ruthless expression and I’d be like sticking my tongue out and say “I haite you too.”
Juvenile…say it! I know you want to!
I won’t hate you otherwise because I really don’t have any fucks to give. Seriously I am all out *sigh*

50 things I learned before I turned 21.

1. Fairy-tales don’t ever come true.

2. Very few lucky people find their soul mates.

3. Those very few lucky people also happen to have everything in life.

4. They are also super rich.

5. Money is nothing if you have nobody standing beside you.

6. Public transport is not bad as long as you know the right timings.
7. It takes one month (minimum) to get used to public transport.

8. Traveling with friends is fucking awesome.

9. It doesn’t matter if you don’t attend a single lecture all year round as long as you manage to gather all the notes.

10. Your best friend will not last forever.

11. Neither will your first love.

12. They could probably end up together in some parallel universe though.

13. Heartbreaks and depression will happen, now or later.

14. You will come through it.

15. I promise : )

16. Promises and trust are broken (not necessarily referring to #15)

17. You will miss school or certain parts of your life before college.

18. It will be a part of your bittersweet memories.

19. Your bittersweet memories will be your most treasured memories.

20. Your friends will grow apart will time.

21. You will grow part from some of your friends too.

22. You will make new friends and fresh enemies as well.

23. You last year of school will be the best or the worst.

24. You have to laugh for more than 15 minutes laying on the floor, over one another about something one of you have done.

25. It has to be mad-hatter like crazy.

26. Alcohol does not make you forget everything and it only gives bad headaches.

27. Its ok to get drunk with your friends.

28. it’s not ok to get drunk every night with your friends especially during exam week.

29. Its ok to chug on coffee in the morning before going to class.

30. It is not ok to parade out of the class whilst the teacher/professor is teaching.

31. It is not ok to autograph the discipline register and write “Hakuna Matata” underneath, no matter how awesome it is.

32. Traveling is fucking awesome.

33. Mixing alcohol with milk is not awesome.

34. If you are dating a guy/girl even when your gut is saying no then you have to rethink some of your life decisions. Fast.

35. Doesn’t matter how perfect he is.

36. You won’t know who your soul mate will be until you turn 70 and will realize this in the middle of an argument of who will finish the last bottle of wine.

37. The truth is not bitter, it just plain sucks. The truth is sucky.

38. You will get many opportunities to move on, don’t let them go.

39. Your past won’t die, but you will eventually learn how to live with it and you will be in peace.

40. Learn to eat with your mouth closed. With friends nobody cares but later it becomes a bad habit.
41. Same goes for cursing.

42. And the way you sit.

43. Nothing will go the way you plan it. It is guaranteed that life will fuck it up.

44. Its ok to be single and not to be in a relationship up till now.

45. Many people find the right guy/girl after they turn 20.

46. Patience just as important and keeping your temper at bay.

47. It’s ok to miss someone and let them know about it.

48. Don’t expect anything back though. They don’t owe anything to you.

49. Don’t forget; many times bitten, never shy. Better to try then not to have tried.

50. Live your life with no fucking regrets at all.

The Queen of her Heart

Never force a wish.

There is a very valid reason why it never came true in the first place.
Every coin has two sides, with the good comes the bad and with the bad comes the good.
If you would’ve said this to Princess Roxanna 2 years ago she would’ve laughed her head off.
But today she sits in the middle of the busy market place dressed in someone’s lend me downs.
Her stomach is full because she thanked God for every morsel that she chewed. Her soul is happy because she doesn’t have to get up every day at the same time and get ready and go through the same rituals just to sit behind the veil that separates her from the world.
Her hair is happy because the cut diamond of her tiara is not crushing her hair. Her body is happy because she doesn’t have to wear heavy jewelry and dresses everyday which most of the days weighed more than her..
Her eyes are happy because they get to see the world.
She made a very drastic decision two years ago with a knot in her chest that asked “what if she’d regret it?”
she realized it was foolish to ask that because she wouldn’t know till she did and ran off into the sunset.
And now she did unlike the decision she technically agreed with that she would not take over the throne.
She regretted agreeing to that, but not today because today she is only Roxanna.
Not a daughter, not a sister, not a fiancé, not a princess.
Just a friend, to the whole wide world.

Someone once told her, all your wishes will come true to which she replied that not all her wishes have ever come true. That someone smiled back and said “of course only the ones that matter will come true.”

Still confused Roxanna asked how one differentiates between wishes.
The stranger smiled and said “My dear highness, you only tell me, where is the fun if in this world everyone knew everything beforehand?”

It was a beautiful life.

He looked to the end of the horizon.
He had led a full and happy life, and was still amazed by what more life had to offer him.
He took a deep breath in, the smell of fresh wet soil after the first rain of the season made him smile.
The fresh air played with his hair and he didn’t mind it at all.
He had no regrets he thought and sat their looking at his lined, weary hands due to old age.
His breathing had become shallower in the past few years, he couldn’t walk as fast as he use to and his travelling had reduced to 3 trips in a year.
He missed his youth but he didn’t mind the present, he liked sitting in one place admiring Mother Nature. He had all the time in the world now.
He remembered how he left his job as soon as he got the opportunity to travel the world.
He remembered how he travelled across the globe just to meet his girlfriend.
He remembered how he fell for this young girl that he thought was the one.
He remembered how all this was the past.
How he left his first girlfriend and how the girl he fell in love with ran away and never looked back.
He never knew why, but not a day passed when he thought that what if she ever left.
How would it have been if he had been a husband, a father and probably now a grandfather.
He was a proud granduncle and he remembers clearly like it was yesterday, the day his niece was born. Two days ago she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
He smiled to himself at that thought.
He lived, loved and lost.
He shut his eyes and saw the images flash before him.
His childhood, his family, his friends, his loved ones, his passion, the places he visited all of his life flashed before him.
He knew deep down that the next time he opens his eyes he will have a new adventure to live.

The song of Darla

He looked in my eyes.
I didn’t see love, I saw pity.
I looked away with disgust till I realized I was literally looking down at him.
He walked away without saying another word and did not look back.
I silently prayed that he wouldn’t.

He smiled at me.
but it wasn’t the happy one,  it was a sad smile.
my smile disappeared and I gave out a stone cold stare.
I did this till I realized that all the love had disappeared between us.
He walked away, he looked back but he never stopped moving forward.
I silently prayed that he wouldn’t stop.

He said something to me.
I was too dazed to listen but I knew what it was.
I could recognize it.
But still this time I waited for a very long time. Ages.
Then I walked away, I didn’t look back, I didn’t stop moving forward.
I was walking alone and it wasn’t a choice, but I did choose not to look back, not to stop heading forward.
I silently prayed that I wouldn’t fall in a dark hole of nothingness.

I stopped listening and started to sing my heart out, perfecting each note.
till a certain someone mocked me about my shallow knowledge about what I love to do.
I recognized that voice and deliberately sung out aloud to drown it.
that voice followed me everywhere begging me to fall but I was wise as I continued to sing.
One day scared that I may be wrong.
I held my heart and stopped singing for a second just to see what new insult came up but then I heard silence.
Gone like the others in my past.
A fake had i encountered?

I threw my head back and laughed as I walked on.
I took a break and had a sip of tea from the nearby café.
The waiter was impressed with my talent but I curtseyed and went on my way.
oh dear was fear becoming one with me?
So I held my heart tightly

And I looked behind at the waiter who stood there holding my empty tea cup in his hands staring back at me with an expression that spelled hope.
So I decided to sit down and hear it out.
All over again and
I silently said a thank you to God.

Gorgeous

“Gorgeous!”  The lady exclaimed as she clenched the umbrella with all her might.
Her fiancé smiled at her and with a carefully calculated amount of ego in his voice said “Thank you, actually I made this when I was only 11 years old.”

The lady sensed this but said nothing, she was told numerous times that this is natural in men and that she shouldn’t even take notice to it. But it wasn’t because Carl never spoke like that, Carl was a man as well and he worked at the coal mine. She use to meet him every Monday morning at the bakery and they use to exchange tales about their week in that 1 hour. His stories were exciting and adventurous but never did she hear that tone from him. She wished to embark on that journey one day.

“Would you like to have your tea break?” Her fiancé’s voice shattered her colorful thoughts but she was still dazed like an animal waking up from the effect of a tranquilizer. She stared at her fiancé, one of the most powerful industrialist’s son. He had bright blue eyes and dark black hair carefully combed back. His nose was pointed and a bit too long. She didn’t want her any of her children to have that nose. She noticed that his shoulders were broad and his suit didn’t have a single crinkle even though they had been roaming in his workshop for the past hour
He was perfect and every women’s desire. And every woman’s desire stood infront of her showing off his accomplishments and in a few days was going to be her husband.

“Vanessa has the heat gotten to your head?” he asked with genuine concern. He called for the maids to escort her inside. She saw his forehead wrinkle with worry and his eyes cringe as she couldn’t stand anymore. Her fingers let go of the umbrella as she fell but her fiancé caught her and carried her back inside, not forgetting to curse the help for being lethargic at a crucial time like this. He carried her to the spare guest room and rushed out to call the doctor as one of the maids poured water in a glass and the other un-did her dress and let her lose from the binding corset.

The lady didn’t want to be rescued like this. She closed her eyes as her body commanded her to and let go of all the thoughts.
Her wedding, her relationships, her dreams.
She woke up at night. The lady didn’t waste another minute before her brain started to think. Her heart knew that she was given a second chance as she got dressed with whatever she could get her hands upon and rushed out into the night.
She didn’t know what to do and headed straight to the portside. She didn’t see the name and decided to creep in. Suddenly someone grabbed her hand and pulled her back from the boarding plank. Her heart panicked as she didn’t know what she would do next so she shut her eye.
“Lady Edgerly, what are you doing?!”
The lady opened her eyes and saw a familiar warm face. Carl was looking back at her with confusion.
She smiled and laughed at herself. “it is not safe for you to be here at this time of the night. What are you doing?!” Carl raised his voice as the horn decided to get some attention as the lady twirled around like a mad woman. Vanessa saw Carl’s worried face and caught hold of his shoulders as he took a step back. “I know that ship is about to leave. And i am going to let go of you and go wherever it takes me to. You are my only friend so that’s why I am asking you. Do you want to come?”
Carl blinked as his mouth dropped open “Lady Edgerly I really should escort you back home.” He said at last with worry written all over his face. She stared at his face. He has brown eyes with flecks of yellow and his nose was not that long. His clothes were shabby and his hands were rough.
She smiled, amused with what she had done and what she will do. She felt happy, free.
She let go of him and ran towards the ship’s boarding plank with no regrets.
She could travel in the working class section, she didn’t care and she felt the sea air kiss her.
Carl followed her. He knew her enough that she wouldn’t turn back. The truth was he wasn’t going to let her throw her life like that, but deep down he knew, she was not throwing it away she was regaining it.

once upon a time

He yelled once and I didn’t understand but I knew it was bad.
He yelled twice and this time I understood abit and shut my ears.

He yelled thrice, again I prayed for it to get over.

But as I prayed every time I realized that it was simply a loud voice and an action is needed to complete a wish.
That action never came.

Just the voices.

Those voice which broke all ties of love, friendship and every well-wisher’s concern.

And then I stood up against them, or I tried to.
Strangely I only remember tears and more tears. Then slowly a smile appeared through my tears.

Not a smile of happiness. But a smile that, I at last had a plan to go about my life.

It was an evil smile. A smile when someone dies. Where a relationship and all its meaning dies.

It was certainly not intentional and I never was a cold hearted person. But it happened like it was supposed to be the inevitable.

So I sit here and write about it.
Not because I wanted to write my heart out. But because I wanted to share what a pure emotion is.

Pure sadness.

Pure anxiety.

Pure struggle.

Pure courage.

Pure evil.

This is not my story, yet. But I am one of those people who have experienced pure emotion and how people perceive it to be the best feeling in the world. Sadly many don’t realize how destructive it can be and it has the curse to reduce a normal being into a pile of ashes.

I admit it’s a sad story with a sad beginning and an undesirable conclusion to have been reached but in the end it seemed to have worked out just fine.

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